Chapter One
When Alex Met Stephenie
Allow me to tell you how I came to meet Stephenie Marks, Reluctant (but Resigned) Advisor to the Gods.
I was walking home on a splendid day where the sun was scorching, the birds were dead or dying, and the mosquitos were acting like they were on holiday - I had to keep slapping them off me, which, on such a hot day, was not only an exhausting but full-time occupation.
I had just taken my water bottle out for a much needed drink and was starting to walk across the busy street before me, when I hear the words, "Hey, Alex!"
Oh no, I thought, cringing.
Everyday, unless I'm lucky, these gangsters corner me and beat me up. Why? How should I know? They never tell me. And it's not like I'm capable of fighting back - sorry, but I don't have the money for lessons, and if I try to tell anybody, that would just make it worse. The person I tell would either get beaten up along with me, or I would get beaten up worse for snitching. Or both. Believe me, I've tried it more than once.
I'd been hoping that I might get out of it today (as I do everyday), but, of course, my luck has never been that good, not since...
I shook my head, shooing that thought away before it could finish. With a resigned sigh (for resigned, indeed, I was) I turned and walked to the gangsters as they prepared for my daily torment.
They gestured down an alley behind them, cracking their knuckles suggestively (which wasn't even remotely necessary).
I walked, feeling almost as if I was walking the plank of a ship - it was a fairly accurate metaphor, but I didn't have time to dwell on that, because I had just been punched in the back of the head. Ow...
The beating continued for what seemed like hours (but that I knew was only a few minutes at best), until suddenly, I hear one of the thugs call, "Hey girly, did ya lose yar way or sumthin'? Want us to give ya sum directions?"
I looked up, to see that the gangsters had surrounded a beauty of a girl, whom I had never seen before. She seemed calm, even with the gang members leering at her.
I winced - my bruises were pounding, sot that I felt as though I was still under a shower of powerful punches.
Now, I know this will sound horrible, but I'm not gonna lie - I was glad these gangsters were going to beat up this girl instead of me. I mean, what do you expect? I don't know her, so I'd rather it was her instead of -
My eyes widened as I saw the girl throw the most spectacular punch I'd ever seen in my life. She had punched the leader while he was still talking to her! Whoever this girl was, if she could throw punches like that, and still look perfect, I wanted her number.
I watched in stunned disbelief as she KO-ed the other gang members until none remained, then winced when she turned to me.
To my surprise, she just dusted her hands off, then offered one of them to me. Gratefully, I took it, and she helped me up. I started doing damage maintenance on myself. My whole body felt like I was one big bruise, but I knew I'd feel better once I slept on it.
"What's your name?"
"Alex Conscript." I glanced at her and blinked as I saw her smile. "What?" I asked, feeling suddenly defensive.
"Come with me," she said, offering her hand again.
And, against many other, MUCH better ideas (i.e. not taking her hand, and running in the opposite direction) I took her hand, and followed as she led me out of the alley-way, out onto the sidewalk beyond, and down the street, until we stopped before the last of a battered looking string of trees that lined the road beside us.
At this point, the girl (I realized distractedly that I still didn't know her name) crouched down on the grass and stretched her hand out slowly.
I gasped. Her hand had disappeared.
She pulled it back out with a satisfied smile, then turned to me. "Allow me to take you right out of this world, Alex," she said, and a mischievous smile curved her lips as she turned back to the spot, reached her hand out again, grabbed something that looked like fabric - made of what? Air? - pulled it up sot it was as tall as herself, and stepped through, pulling me along with her.
[End of Chapter One]
Next Time: Chapter Two - Right Out of this World
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Canary word: Present
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Hey there, Stella here, I'll be your reviewer today
I. NITPICKS
This isn't a criticism, but this just made me think of Alex Day (that kid who reads Twilight and makes fun of it on YouTube) meeting Stephenie Meyer. And I giggled.
I absolutely LOVE this line.
The parantheses seem redundant.
II. REPETITION
Okay, one thing that made your prose seem a little jarring- you repeat words a lot. Like the paragraph where you describe Stephenie punching the leader- you use the word 'punch' a lot. Try and branch out a little bit. Of course, in some instances, it's impossible to find another word, so by all means use it twice. But not too close together, change sentence structures and things to keep your rhythm natural.
III. OVERALL
This was really interesting, I love the voice that you have going for you here. You're using a lot of adverbs- now, I LOVE adverbs, but other people absolutely despise them, so just be careful and watch your usage. And one other small thing- the gangsters. I'd like to know a little more about the situation- is Alex in school? Does he know them other than this daily practice? It just seemed a little too... conveniently placed. Work on a little backstory. But overall, lovely job!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Thank you, Stella! This helps, a lot, thank you!